Are You Kidding Me?

Not much going on today…it’s crappy weather outside and I don’t really feel like doing anything.

Although, I had a customer that came in today, and she was all dressed up with cleavage showing and everything, and then I noticed she had a band-aid on the top of her boob. It’s not like I look at other women’s boobs or anything, but for some reason I just happened to glance at that spot and noticed the band-aid. And it wasn’t like she was trying to conceal it or anything, it was just plastered across the top of a boob. I took the liberty of drawing you a picture with my awesome Paint skills:

Naturally, I couldn’t stop staring at the band-aid, which made me look like I was staring at her boob. I was just really curious as to why she would have it like that, instead of wearing a shirt that didn’t reveal her band-aid cleavage.

I don’t know, I’m still confused. I should have just asked her, but maybe I freaked her out cause she thought I was staring at her enormous boobs with a band-aid on them.

I’ve always wanted to go on a trip by myself. I can’t really think of a time when I’ve ever done that. I’ve traveled alone, but always ended up meeting someone at the other end. This time, though, I think I’m going to actually do it.

My destination? San Francisco.

I want to take a tour of Alcatraz and also look at those slanted streets with the houses on them, because I’ve always thought those were so cool when I’d see it on TV (Especially in the opening credits of Monk.)

So I’ve started gathering literature, and when I do some more research I am actually going to get a plane ticket, book a hotel in the center of everything and go. Maybe I’ll even stay at a bed and breakfast so I’ll be forced to talk and interact with other people. I think I’ll leave my computer behind, so I don’t sit in the hotel room on it the whole trip. If I want to write about something, I’ll do it the old fashioned way - pen and paper.

I always say I’m going to do something and never do it, but this time I really need to get away for a few days and this would be a fun place to go. If anyone has been there or lives there, feel free to give me some recommendations on places to go/visit.

I went to my friend’s wedding last night and it was so nice. I ended up taking my mother with me because I didn’t have a date to go with anymore, but that was cool because I had a great time with her. It was nice to sit and relax with someone that smiled. Even though she probably would have rather been home, it was great to have her there.

For a few days before, she was like ‘You know, if you get a better offer from another guy, I’ll understand and you can go with him.”

I’m like ‘Mom, the wedding is two days away, what better offer is going to come?’ It wasn’t like I could just ask one of the customers to go with me at the last minute, although I thought about a few people I could ask.

Instead I emailed my friend the other day and he told me he was going to a wedding without a date too the same night I was. Immediately I thought, Ooh, I wonder if he’s going to the same wedding, we could meet up there! But he checked his invitation and it wasn’t the same as mine. Still, if I had done a little planning earlier on, we probably could have met up and gone to both weddings. But still, I had a good time with my mommy.

Weddings are fun. It’s nice to see two people so happy with each other.

So last night I went to a rehearsal dinner. My friend’s sister is getting married, and my friend didn’t have a date to the dinner so she asked me if I would go. Of course I said yes, it’s always nice to get dressed up for a night.

I only knew a few people there but still had a good time. At one point in the night I went outside the restaurant to take a smoke break and my friend came along with me. Now, most of the wedding party are smokers, so there were a lot of us outside at the time, so my friend and I kind of just stood off to the side so we could talk a little.

There was this guy walking out with a bunch of bags in his hand, probably take-out bags, and he totally stood near us and let one rip.

I stood there and was like woah, was that him or his bags? But I realized his bags were plastic and totally wouldn’t have made a sound like that. Plus, after he did it, he kind of turned around to see if there was anyone around him and saw us standing there. Yeah mister, we caught you.

So I turned to my friend:

Me: “Um, did you just hear that?”

B: “No, what?”

Me: “That old guy just totally farted.”

B: “Eww, gross.”

After that we quickly went inside back to our table.

Was there a lesson to be learned from that? Hell if I know, I thought it was kind of funny/gross, bordering more on gross though. Must have had a good meal.

None of us want to believe the guy we are dating is indeed a loser. Many times we miss these signs, but friends and family are always there to remind us why we should get away from a loser. Sometimes we listen, but many times we don’t and instead find out the hard way. Here are some signs that you are dating a loser:

1. He never wants to go anywhere. With the way gas prices are these days, it sucks going on road trips or anywhere just to go driving. My friends and I used to do mini road trips all the time and those were some of the best times of my life, but sadly it’s too hard to do that now without spending over $50 at the gas pump. But that’s totally different than what I’m talking about with a loser. A loser will just want to stay at home and doesn’t care whether you stay with him or not, he’s content on being at home, even if it is by himself. You can offer to drive, or offer to give gas money, but in the end the loser would just rather be sitting at home sleeping or watching tv.

2. He talks a lot about past girlfriends. Sooner or later in a relationship, talks about exes come up. However, the loser will always be the first to bring up his past exes as if he’s not over any of them. And when you listen to these stories, of course it will always be the ex girlfriend’s fault as to why the relationship didn’t work, because the loser tells you what a nice person he is and can’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to be with him. These types of men could still be stuck in their past relationships and you don’t want to deal with any of that. They aren’t worth your time. If you waste time on them, you’ll find out later on what a mistake you made.

3. He doesn’t respect you. I love a man that I can have a great conversation with, but sometimes the talks can turn into heated arguments. It can still stay innocent if you are just discussing your different viewpoints on something, but the loser will always try to bring down your thoughts on something by telling you why your opinion is wrong.

4. He looks at other girls in front of you. Now, I get that most men like to look, but there’s a difference between looking and outright drooling and calling another girl hot right in front of you. This also falls under the ‘no respect’ rule, because it’s just wrong. No normal guy should ever talk about how hot another girl is when you are around. That’s fine when they are with their guy friends, but not when you are standing right there.

5. He makes fun of you. This often starts as harmless joking around, but can quickly become annoying. I hate getting made fun of because really, I don’t deserve it. Especially not from the person that I’m dating. But the loser won’t grasp the fact that it is making you angry and annoyed, because he will just keep on continuing to pick on you even after telling him you don’t like it. The loser then turns it into some kind of game, where he sees how far he can go until you get mad.

6. He’s not affectionate at all. When a man likes a woman, he will shower her with love. However, a loser doesn’t know how to act in a romantic situation. He will continue to act like a childish moron until you get to the point that you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that has no affection for you. He may have trouble showing his emotions, but come on, a loser that doesn’t give any sign that he’s happy to be with you is in fact, a loser.

7. He makes you feel bad about yourself. There are many losers out there that are emotional and physical abusers, and you shouldn’t subject yourself to any of that. No one has the right to make another person feel bad or low about themselves, but it’s up to you to get out of that situation. Tell the loser goodbye and that you aren’t going to be his punching bag any longer. And then run. Far away.

8. He always brings up how broke he is. I don’t care how broke a guy is, but when he is constantly bringing it up that gets on my nerves. Some things you should just keep to yourself. It’s like they are trying to let me know they are broke so that I’ll feel bad and pay for something. Well, no. You got along fine before me, you can get along fine without me. Bye-Bye. p.s. There are plenty of men out there that are financially stable that would be happy to take you out and not complain about the prices.

Note: These are just some of the signs that I have encountered over the years from the losers that I have dated. You may have even more signs of losers, and if you do I invite you to share those.

Do I sound bitter? Probably. Do I care? Not really. This is just what I feel like writing about today.

Of course, reading Cosmo again, I saw a small blurb about a new website called http://www.scientificmatch.com , which uses a saliva sample to match you with a potential mate. This method uses histocompatibility, which are genes that play a role in chemical attraction.

The site gives the benefits of this type of matchmaking:

• Chances are increased that you’ll love the natural body fragrance of your matches.
• You have a greater chance of a more satisfying sex life.
• Women tend to enjoy a higher rate of orgasms with their partners.
• Women have a much lower chance of cheating in their exclusive relationships.
• Couples tend to have higher rates of fertility.
• All other things being equal, couples have a greater chance of having healthier children with more robust immune systems.

I don’t know, matching you up with someone based on their DNA? I guess people have done stranger things to make money. It does say that women who take birth control aren’t eligible for this service, something about messing with the hormones or something. It also won’t work if you weren’t raised by your natural parents.

On the plus side, I did find this: “For your security, we ban all felons.  We also ban everyone convicted of any sexual offense, any violent crime, any crime involving a weapon, and any Internet crime.”

Well that’s good to know. I looked around, but didn’t really find any ‘testimonials’ of people that have done this sort of thing. I’d love to know what percentage this has worked for compared to the number it hasn’t.

You can find out more at their website.

Okay, so I was searching around on my computer the other day and came across this file that had some hilarious pictures in it. I have no idea where I got this from or who sent it to me, so I can’t give any credit. But, I love all things that make me laugh, and here are a few pictures that did just that:

Well, I feel bad for the penguin, but this is just a really cool picture.

Imagine getting your photos back from Walgreen’s and seeing this included in it. Priceless!

And here is my all-time favorite picture:

This picture makes me laugh my ass off every time I look at it. That poor girl! And those guys behind him…ugh, gross. If I was getting barfed on while on a roller coaster, I’d start my own trail of barf that would probably reach back to the last car.

But still, that picture is freaking hilarious.

Going on a date with someone new can be nerve-racking. Sometimes we blurt things out we shouldn’t, and other times we don’t say anything at all! Here are 6 things you should never say on a date.

1. Don’t ask them what type of music they are into. I think this is a generic question and one that doesn’t really matter on the first date. I mean, let’s say you are into rap and they are into country music, and you hate country music. Are you really going to not go out with him again because of this? Of course not. So who cares about it when you are on a date? Asking about their music preferences is just filler conversation and there are many other interesting things you can talk about.

2. Don’t talk about what church you would get married in if you two marry. I seriously had a friend that did this to a guy. Needless to say, he got freaked out and never called her. And the sad thing is, he had a fun time on the date so I think there could have really been something there. Don’t plan your future on the first date.

3. Don’t not talk. Yes, I just used a double negative there, but this is an important point. Don’t clam up. What is there to be nervous about? Chances are your date is just as nervous as you are, so that should make you feel a little better, right? Keep the conversation flowing and you will most likely find yourself on a second date with that person.

4. Don’t ask them if they are a player. Seriously, why do people ask that question? Isn’t it obvious that if they are a player they aren’t going to admit it? First dates are all about good impressions, so of course that person is going to lie to you. Don’t even let this stupid question out of your mouth.

5. Don’t ask them if they have any f*ck buddies. Again, they aren’t going to admit that to you. This is another time of potentially inserting your foot in your mouth if you spout off questions like that. Those questions can come later on down the road when you find yourself only getting booty calls.

6. Don’t tell them your deep dark secrets. Many people like to reveal too much, too soon. We all want to tell the other person about ourselves, but there are just some things you should keep to yourself. Let’s say it doesn’t work out after a few dates, do you really want them blabbing your secrets all over town? Because they probably will. So let’s keep your diary closed, okay?

Hopefully you haven’t really done any of these, because I know people that have. Just have a fun time, relax and be yourself on your date.

Ever have someone at work always ’stealing’ your sandwich? Well, now there’s a solution with the Anti-Theft Lunch Bag.

Just place your sandwich in the bag that already has green splotches printed on it and there you have it. Lunch!

However, these can also have another use if you are a single girl like me. Let’s say you are dating a guy and decide you aren’t that into him. Well, if it were me, I’d use these bags to turn him off. I’d go on and on about what a great cook I am and offer to make him a sandwich. Little would he know that I’d have these bags filled with sandwich fillings, so that when I pull them out of the refrigerator to make him his sandwich, I make SURE he sees them.

Of course, I’d pretend nothing was wrong, and if he asked why there was green stuff on the bag, I’d just simply tell him something like “Oh, it’s just a little mold, nothing to worry about. The food is still good, trust me.”

Naturally, he’d think I’m disgusting and eat moldy food all the time, thus turning him off. And voila! There you have it. Useful bags get rid of useless men.

My friend was over the other day and messing around on my computer. She calls me over and says this weird picture popped up on my computer and she didn’t know what it was. Of course at first I thought it was a virus, but then I figured out that she happened to click on my random ‘Stumble’ button from the StumbleUpon toolbar. It’s so strange that this website popped up with this picture on it:

So there you have it, guys. The secret formula to the mystery of women. Yes, we are all evil. I had to laugh at this clever ‘formula’ because my friend and I had just got done discussing how evil men were (at least the ones I’ve dated). I guess this was some sort of sign, don’t you think?